Letting go

 

Fortino is mowing my lawn. For the past four years that I have lived in this house, I’ve watched Fortino every Friday mow the lawn of Jackie, the neighbor who lives behind me. He and his crew are quick and efficient, mowing, trimming, and cleaning up. Sometimes Jackie asks him to put in new flowers or take out old plants. He nods and complies. If I am out in the back yard, I wave, and he waves back. When he comes around to this side of the block to mow Gus’s lawn next door, I see him again or one of his crew, and we wave. Once, when I was about to sweep up after mowing my front lawn, one of his crew stepped over with the leaf blower and offered to do it. Took twenty seconds. All done.

I’m not mowing the lawn today. I’m writing. Someone else is pushing the mower, swinging the trimmer, and cleaning up the mess.

I started mowing my own lawn in 1980, when I was married and we lived in Chino and my then-husband was too busy pastoring a church to do it. 

When we divorced, I took the mower and edger.

With the exception of the six blissful years I lived in a cabin in the wilderness, and a few years when I somehow hooked up with another husband who was often too busy to help with chores but would, on occasion, do yard work, I mowed my own lawns. For forty years.

My lawns here are small and, if I hustle, I can knock out the mowing, trimming, and clean up in under an hour. But that hustle has begun to evaporate as time has started to take its toll on my body. Sometimes, when my sciatic nerve is screaming at me, thinking about mowing the lawn can nearly reduce me to tears.

Some weeks ago, I had a conversation about this with my cousin Kathleen, who is my age. She’d had a conversation with her doctor, who’d told her, “Kathleen, listen to me, you can’t be doing that anymore.” By “that,” he meant sliding her major appliances out to clean behind them. Did I mention that she’s my age? Look, I saw my mom do a lot of chores when I was a kid, including stripping and waxing the kitchen floor on her hands and knees. I never witnessed her moving the stove out to clean behind it. And now I can’t unhear that, so for the rest of my life, I’m going to feel like my house hasn’t been thoroughly cleaned. Unless I do “that,” and I’ll be honest, I’m not about to, so if you happen to come for a visit, please overlook it.

Kathleen told me this: "We can’t keep doing the same things we’ve always done in our lives." Ironically, a week after my conversation with her, I found myself working on a short piece of writing for a story call-out about “elder care,” describing how difficult it was convincing my mother to give up driving. Of course, she was 86, not 66, but still. It brought to mind Mom’s fierce independence, how she kept insisting that she could get herself and her walker into the car and out again without my help. But she really couldn’t, not without risking injury. And I heard Kathleen’s truth ringing in my ears. “We can’t keep doing the same things we’ve always done.”

I can’t mow my lawns anymore. Not without risking injury. Last week, when Fortino mowed Jackie’s lawn, she told him I wanted him to start mowing mine. He came by after he finished Gus’s yard, and we stood on the porch and talked.

“I see you,” he said. “You work hard.”

“I see you,” I said. “You work very hard.”

He shrugged. “It’s my job. You need to take care of yourself.”

So I am. I’m doing all the exercises my physical therapist gave me, taking the walks my doctor told me to take (even though I was already walking at least 30 minutes a day when she said that, but okay), and right now, Fortino is mowing my lawn, and I’m doing this. It’s my job.

Coming Back

It beckons, doesn't it? An oak leaf strewn trail in early autumn, shaded from the still-warm sun by overhanging branches. The only sounds heard that of a scolding jay and an equally annoyed woodpecker.

As I step onto this trail in mid-morning, I immediately smell apple pie baking at the adjacent apple farm, and my stomach rumbles. I have an apple and a way-too-healthy protein bar (made from a paste of dates, raisins, bananas, cashews, etc) in my backpack, but dang. Who wouldn't want a huge slice of apple pie and a cup of coffee on this glorious morning? And what better place to get both than in Oak Glen, California? Thank you, Universe, that such blessings exist, such opportunities are available. But today I am hiking. And off I go.

Here's the thing about that sign: Ever come across road signs that say, "Flagman ahead. Prepare to stop" but then you keep driving and see no one for like two miles? Yeah, so, this is like that. The truth is, the trail winds down a very pleasant downhill path. Very pleasant. Very...downhill. So it's easy to keep going, keep wondering what you'll see as you round the next bend. The "steep" part is in the last third of the loop, at which point you reach a set of steps carved into a steep hill and it's just up and up and up for a quarter of a mile. For those of us with holey lungs (and I mean that most literally--hole-y), much panting is required.

Dear Cousin (because I know you're reading this, looking at this sign, wondering if I'm safe, if I'm crazy), I will admit to pausing for a few minutes before continuing down the trail. Now, I've been down this same trail a time or two or three--but this time was the first time walking the entire trail without my son or my friends or my dog. (No, Thomas wasn't with me, sad to say.) So I stopped to ponder my fate, reflect upon my life, my odds of survival, my need to still take a few risks at this age (66, if you're keeping track), how I might defend myself (hiking stick)--or call for help (cell phone, yep, still got reception). As all this was zinging through my mind, I heard another hiker on the trail, coming from the opposite direction, talking loudly. I saw why when she came into view, saw me with my mask on and paused her conversation to pull hers up. I thanked her, at which point the beautiful gray and white pit bull she had on a leash lunged across the trail at me, wagging his tail furiously, dancing from foot to foot, telling me excitedly "We're doing walks! We're doing walks! I smelled stuff everywhere! I peed everywhere! We're doing good walks!!!!" I petted his head and he slobbered all over my hand, which I accepted as a Holy Dog Anointed Blessing, and I moved on down the trail in the direction they had come up. I mean, let's face it; had there been a mountain lion around, it would have slunk off when Loud Lady and Big Dog showed up.

I assume this was true for the bear, too. Oh, there was definitely a bear. I followed his fresh (as in, still glistening) piles of scat down the trail, sighting four in a half-mile stretch (and yes, each one appearing more fresh as I went). What does a bear's poop look like if said bear is lucky enough to live near all the apple farms of Oak Glen? Why, it's sort of its own type of, er, apple pie:

At this point in the trail, I stopped again. In the movies, this is where the mountain lion would be lurking, hanging off that tree trunk bent over the trail. In real life, of course, mountain lions behave like cats, hiding in tall grass and thick brush, blending in--until they pounce with incredible speed and force (unless you have a large dog with you and you're making a lot of noise, which I didn't and I wasn't, so I started singing instead).

When you reach the top of the trail, this is what you see now: Ashes. The hills above Oak Glen, all the way around the town, from Cherry Valley to Yucaipa, are burned down to rubble from the El Dorado fire, which is still burning this morning and only 68% contained. How firefighters kept that fire from destroying the entire town, I have no idea. I just know that they're amazing.

The trail tops out at Oak Knoll picnic area and, lest you think you've survived the trail unscathed, best mind your feet all the way across to the parking lot; rattlesnakes live here. The last time I walked through it, my son and I spotted a baby rattler (gasp!) coiled around a grassy tuft, with people sitting a few yards away, enjoying a picnic, kids running everywhere. We warned them and everyone else around, and a brave soul used a very long stick to encourage the baby snake to take a nap somewhere else.

This is how I celebrated upon returning to my car: Apple cider mini-donuts and a cup of coffee. O, how joyous!

Just what was I celebrating? Being able to walk again. I have been struggling for many weeks with another bout of sciatica, unable to do the most basic chores around the house, unable to garden, just barely getting a short walk in with Thomas before needing to lie down on the living room floor and stretch my back. Slowly in the last two weeks, I've felt better. I was able to walk a bit farther every day. This was my first real hike in a long time, and I felt great. Thanks, Universe. I needed that.

 

Notorious

 

Ruth Bader Ginsburg, photo courtesy of New York Magazine

Why is the passing of Ruth Bader Ginsburg so monumentally heartbreaking for me at this time?

Because I don’t want her to be remembered as the Supreme Court justice who couldn’t quite hang on long enough, whose death ushered in a new era of life-altering decisions that no longer hold toward the middle but are now staked to a court with a far more restrictive agenda.

But I don’t want to talk about that. Her body has not yet been laid to rest. I don’t want the discussion of what might happen next to overshadow the enormous legacy of this woman’s valiant advocacy for other women and for those disenfranchised by the majority.

Why was her life, long before she became a Supreme Court justice, so meaningful to me?

Because I was the gender-fluid female who was told no repeatedly, from the time I was a small child, when I was told not to wish for certain Christmas and birthday gifts because they were for boys, through high school where I was not allowed to take wood shop or auto shop because those classes were for boys, and long into adulthood and even in my church, where I was told that even though I led the congregation in singing, I could not be considered the “Music Minister” because I wasn’t male.

Hard to believe, isn’t it, that this paragon of women’s rights began her professional career by teaching the law instead of practicing it, because despite graduating first in her class from Columbia Law School, no law firm in New York would hire her. Because they simply wouldn’t hire a woman.

Their loss.

Though she was known as liberal in her interpretation of the Constitution, Ginsburg was also highly respected for her sense of fairness and her acute knowledge of the law. She was also known for her sense of humor and her ability to get along with everyone—including Justice Anthony Scalia.

How she did is a mystery to me. In law school, I loved reading Supreme Court opinions—unless they were written by Scalia. I hated his world view, and seethed openly at his words. (Ask Mike, my law school study partner, who good-naturedly endured my rants against Scalia.) Yet Ginsburg, once she was on the court, not only found a way to engage with him civilly, she actually befriended him, proving herself a role model for me in yet another aspect.

When I began my writing career in 1975, I used my first and middle initials on by-lines when I submitted work for publication, as many other women writers did before me. We knew, as females, that our work would be taken less seriously by publishers if they knew our gender. As much as I would love to document our advance in this arena, make no mistake; this is largely still the case across the board, with women writers being paid less than men, and some women writers still opting out of revealing their gender to potential publishers until they have established contracts of equal value.

We still have a long way to go. But Ginsburg began to turn this ship around in 1971 when she argued and won her first gender discrimination case. (I was still in high school then. Had her success been on my radar, I would have quoted her arguments for my counselors; that was the same year I was denied entrance to the all-male industrial arts classes.) She went on to present the case against gender bias again and again, all the way to the Supreme Court, where she would one day sit as “a jurist of historic stature,” as Chief Justice John Roberts said of her.

May this be her legacy, not that she died too soon, but that she finally took her much deserved rest after devoting her entire life to the difficult and demanding task of bringing about substantial change in the quality of life for women and others. May her legacy be remembered always, and may she rest in peace—after she has a sweet and long-awaited reunion with her beloved Marty and perhaps a good laugh with Anthony Scalia about all of our shenanigans down here in the wake of her passing.

Blessed

 

Yesterday was one of those very rare days in which I hear from all four of my kids in the same day. That usually only happens on Mother's Day and my birthday (and sometimes not even then). My kids are busy living their best lives, and I can appreciate that. I didn't call my mom very often when I was their age. Then again, my mother and I had an entirely different relationship than I do with these amazing people.

It was my youngest grandson's birthday yesterday. Jordan turned eight. Or, as he put it, "I'm becoming eight today." Yes, sweet boy, I hope we are all "becoming" our best selves. His mother (Younger Daughter) and I chatted for an hour about life and her plans for the future, near and far. When I walked out of my den and looked out the kitchen window, I saw a gigantic plume of smoke--another out-of-control wildfire is burning in the next town over. Here we go again....

An hour or so later, I received a text from Younger Son (who currently lives in Ohio): "Hey Mom, are you doing okay?" Checking in, because he heard about the fire. Then Older Daughter did the same, concerned about the air quality down here. She and Hubby live and teach in Lake Arrowhead. They were getting ash drifting down on their deck. Several hours after that, Older Son called from the Bay Area. "So, you have another fire down there?"

My kids will not know (unless they read this blog post, and they seldom read my blog posts, because they are busy living their best lives) that I went to sleep last night with a bit of a happy glow about me.

I am blessed. All of my children lived to adulthood. (Dang, tho, with my boys, it was dicey at times, I'm not gonna lie. You see that gray hair in the photo above? My girls didn't give me that. My boys did. Whew.) All four were employed--until the pandemic, when two were laid off, but Younger Daughter has just been offered a new job, so she'll be working soon, and Younger Son has a nice cushion of savings, and he will resume work after the pandemic--when he returns to California permanently. (Yay!)

Most important, though, they are good, kind people. No, we do not always agree on everything. (Boy howdy!) No, they do not parrot back my own belief systems. (If only!) But dang... in spite of the haphazard parenting I did at way, way too young an age, these guys turned out to be stellar human beings, and sometimes I'm just in awe of that. They are all ethical people of sound integrity who think for themselves and are not afraid to voice their opinions and stand up for what is right and justice. Damn, I am so proud of them. (Sorry, can't help it. Shameless Mom boast. Hang on--it gets worse.)

My happy glow rekindled this morning when my junior-in-college granddaughter sent me a text: "Hey Nana, how is it over there?? Are you doing okay?? Do you need anything??"

So yeah, my grandkids--all six of them--are also stellar human beings. Well, okay, Jordan is just now "becoming eight," so maybe he'll turn out to be a thief or a thug, but he's already an animal lover, and his best friend is his black cat, "Lucky," and he loves to read, so I think his mama is on the right track with him.

 All that is just to say this:

Parenting is hard. Damn hard. We struggle blindly, wishing for a crystal ball so we can really determine what is "best" for them through any given crisis or major decision or, lord help us, meting out of consequences, but there is no instruction book, and each one is absolutely different than his/her/their siblings. We just do the best we can, often throwing up Hail Mary passes, and we pray, we pray really hard, that they will "turn out all right." And when they do, we are amazed. And blessed. Really and truly blessed.