On Not Being Okay

 

Last week I posted on Facebook that I was not okay. I am grateful for all the friends and family members who checked in on me—called, sent a text, sent a private message, sent chocolate…. Okay, no one sent chocolate, but getting those check-in messages was just as good. Better, actually.

Here’s what was going on:

I felt overwhelmed.

When I feel overwhelmed, it’s because things feel like they are spiraling out of my control.

When I begin to lose control over the order of my life—the daily routine, the peace and quiet of the household, the general welfare of my dog and cat—my anxiety begins to skyrocket.

When my anxiety skyrockets, I become paralyzed. I find myself functioning robotically to take care of the necessary things—pet care, etc—then becoming immobilized and simply sitting for hours at a time, heart pounding, breath shallow.

This anxiety is rooted in childhood trauma.

I was an extremely sensitive child. (I still am that child.) And I was shamed by my parents for being so. I’m not trying to vilify them here; they thought that telling me to “stop crying" and "stop being so sensitive” and making fun of me for doing so would help toughen me up to deal with the real world outside. What it actually did was further isolate me, make me feel that my being “different” from others was wrong or bad, something I should be ashamed of choosing for myself. And all of that led me to become quiet and shut down… for which I was further shamed.

I learned to speak only when I absolutely had to. I learned to hang in the background, not assert myself. I learned to be invisible.

The more I controlled these things, the safer I felt. The calmer I felt. In those days, the calmest I ever felt was on Saturday mornings, leaving the house when everyone was sleeping, riding my bike around the quiet neighborhood in the hush of early morning. I was a little girl out alone, and I felt safest there. (You’re already nodding your head if you know me well—this is me now on a hike; I feel safest there.)

Until I started seeing a therapist last year, I was wholly unaware of what caused my anxiety. I mean, when I was feeling anxious, I could generally track it back to what triggered it, but I had no idea why it kept resurfacing. I kept confusing anxiety with fear. It’s the same autonomic response, right? Rapid heart rate. Shallow breathing. But I am not a fearful person.

One day my therapist said, “So, as long as you can control things in your life—your environment, your routine, your interaction with people—you feel safe. Because when you were a child and a teenager, you were being bombarded with stimuli that traumatized you, and you had no control over it. You couldn’t advocate for yourself, and you had no adult advocate. So you lived with trauma. Now, you keep that trauma at bay by creating an environment in which you are in control.”

Boy howdy.

Yes, I understand—as I discussed with my therapist—that we cannot control everything that happens in our lives. Some weeks are like last week—things breaking, service people in the house to fix things, financial worries, pet worries, pressure from others to “just make a decision,” the hopeless desire to never let anyone down….

Last week was a perfect storm of unpleasant events happening. So I felt out of control of my life. So the anxiety swooshed back in hard like a tsunami.

So what did I do? I rode it out. I saw it coming on the horizon and I ran for higher ground. I didn’t quite outrun it, but some folks were close by with life preservers and ropes and that-feeling-you-get-when-you-eat-chocolate, and I survived it.

For a while, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. But the truth is, I just had to be reminded: “Breathe, Kay.” I did. I’m back. I’m okay now. If you’re not, you can always call me. I have time for you. I can find a life preserver. Maybe even some chocolate.

Thank Goodness for Dogs

 

I’ve been busy lately, finishing the last book in my Dragon Singer Series, getting it formatted, ordering books, moving all the furniture around in my house to accommodate new floors, cleaning everything as I moved it, cleaning it again as I put it back to remove the layer of flooring dust.

It hasn’t been exactly stressful, but it has definitely upset my usual routine. Dear Reader, if you’re familiar with the particular quirks of mental illness, you know that those of us with anxiety are at our best when we can follow a general routine that includes making calming, self-care spaces for ourselves.

For eight of the ten days my flooring guy, Jorge, was working, my routine was shot, and I was quite proud of how I managed my anxiety during those days. Until the last day. On the last day, I had simply reached my limit. I needed to have the quiet sanctuary of my home returned to me, and finally, by day’s end, it was.

Let me tell you what kept me sane in the interim: Maya. Even though Jorge was showing up at 8:30 every morning, and even though that meant having furniture (+books, knick-knacks, etc.) moved and the room ready and the pets sequestered by that time, I still walked Maya every morning. We’d head out around 5:30, 6:00a.m. and do a mile in the hushed darkness.

Sometimes, as the sun was coming up, we’d see bunnies munching on the new spring grass. Or quail, power-walking for cover in the gully. Or an awesome sunrise. Or the mated pair of Canada geese winging silently overhead. One morning, just as we strolled under a very tall pine tree, a great-horned owl called “Hey!” (which sounded like “WHO?” in his language) from the top of the tree. The hoot was so loud in the stillness, Maya and I both startled. Then I laughed. And Maya strained on the leash. (“I don’t know what that was, but we need to get to safety, Mom!”) Even on the day it was lightly sprinkling, we went out, both donning raincoats, unbothered by the damp when we knew we would be warm and dry upon our return.

On those walks, I sucked in the clean, fresh, cold air (since residual dust continued to swirl around my home for days), and I used the time to remind myself that (1) the day would be long but not unending, (2) I maintained control of the process; if my anxiety rose to a dangerous level, I could always ask Jorge to leave for the day, and (3) I am extremely fortunate to be able to afford this upgrade that I’ve been looking forward to for so long. (And “so long!” old carpeting.)

Gratitude. Gratitude in everything. The clarity of the stars in the pre-dawn sky, the sharp call of the resident Cooper’s hawk as it awakens, the ability to still do a brisk walk—look, Ma, no sciatica!, the progress of the little dog trotting dutifully alongside me (even though she’d rather be hiking or back in her nice warm bed).

Speaking of Maya’s bed: The first day Jorge worked, I kept Maya in my bedroom and stayed with her (and Jenny the Cat) most of the day. As the days progressed, I felt comfortable leaving the room to move things and clean, but checked on both of them frequently, often just lying on the floor next to Maya’s bed, stroking her head, rubbing her back, and kissing her soft puppy ears. (Okay, yeah, she’s nine, not a puppy. Her ears are still that soft, though.) This, as much as the long early walk, helped to keep me calm and “regulated,” as the current mental health jargon goes.

So thank goodness for dogs. Everyone should have one. Or two. Or three. Stay tuned….

Constants

 

It’s been six weeks since I’ve posted. I’d like to use my typical “off with the fairies” excuse—and in some ways, I think I would be justified—but really, time and creative energy have been sorely depleted.

I know some of you loyal, compassionate readers, if you follow me on Facebook, have been waiting to hear the warm, fuzzy details of my romantic relationship with “that one guy” (or, if you’re Sean Piscioneri, the guy before that guy—sorry—inside joke). Alas, the guy who began as a friend and briefly became “boyfriend” has now agreed that “friend” is the more healthy status for us. We like each other. Always have since we met 27 years ago. We just don’t… see eye to eye on some things. It’s not important what they are.

Among the critical take-aways from that brief experiment, however, is the fact that my mental health can still easily be tipped off balance under certain circumstances. This surprised me. I mean, seriously, when you get to the age of 70, and you’ve spent decades working to shore up your strategies and defenses against panic attacks, you float along through life thinking you’re safe from them. Then out of the blue a trigger is pulled—however gently—and suddenly your heart is racing and that dark shadow is just there, over your right shoulder, looming. Takes your breath away. Like, literally.

So one of my accomplishments this summer was finally—FINALLY, damn it—getting an appointment with a therapist. It took a month, from initial phone request to finally seeing someone (and by “seeing,” I mean staring at a screen image via Zoom), and I had to push hard with follow-up phone calls. But hey, the energy expended was worth it. I like my therapist. More on that in future posts, I promise—not because I really want to talk about my childhood trauma—I don’t—but because I want to do whatever I can to encourage others to seek professional help in being the best version of yourself you can be today. And tomorrow.

 

Another satisfying accomplishment of the summer was writing 31 poems in the month of August and sending them out to strangers on postcards. This was not a zany idea of my own. Rather, it was part of the annual “Poetry Postcard Fest” sponsored by Cascadia Poetic Labs, the mission statement of which states: “Empowering people to practice poetry & deepen connections to place, self & the present moment.” (Gotta love the alliteration!) The cool thing about signing up for the PPF is that you also (potentially) receive 31 postcards. So far, I’ve gotten about 20 postcards, mostly handmade and decorated with creative artwork, in addition to the poetic offerings. It definitely put some pep in my step on my daily walk to fetch the mail.

I didn’t expect to write any particularly whiz bang poetry. Just as in the year I participated in NaNoWriMo, I signed up for the PPF simply to challenge myself, to impose the discipline of working on poems in addition to my other writing. (Once upon a time, I did call myself a poet, because I have had a few poems published. But that was years ago.)

Surprisingly, though, I was quite satisfied with several of the 31 poems I wrote, and so, for the first time in decades, I think I’ll send some out, just to see what happens. Stay tuned.

As you can imagine, I needed inspiration for those poems. I also needed time alone to process pre and post panic attack, so off to the woods I went, hiking every few days with Miss Maya Angelou Murphy, who continues to let her guard down with me. Nature is an inspiration in and of itself, so I was pleased to capture some photos reflecting my awe.

And, of course, I spent time with my emotional support pals, Sgt. Thomas Tibbs and Jenny the Cat. The Dog Who Hated Being Touched has now become The Dog Who Loves to Be Loved On—brushed, petted, scratched, massaged, whatever. Whenever the world becomes “too full of weeping,” as Yeats described it, I can sit down next to Thom, give him head rubbies and ear scratches, and tell him all about it for as long as it takes for my blood pressure to drop to normal again.

 

Don’t get me started on Jenny’s antics for comic relief. This cat… oh my dragons…. If I had let her, she would have stayed outside on the patio for the duration of Tropical Storm Hilary as it blew through our town with crazy wind and sideways rain. As it was, she stayed out, curled in a corner of the blanket on the patio swing, until I finally made her come in when debris began flying around the yard. And let me tell you, she let me know how unhappy she was about having to do so. She always lets me know exactly how she’s feeling about my unilateral decisions. That’s where dogs and cats are different; dogs say “Okay!” and cats say “Who said so?”

 

Speaking of cats… and dogs… and dragons: I also spent the summer—as promised—working with artist/illustrator Allie Myers on the cover of Fey Girl, the first book in my Dragon Singer series of middle grade fantasy novels. Allie is beyond amazing—I feel at times she is somehow “seeing” what is in my head—and she has just informed me (as in, this morning!) that the front illustration for the cover is complete. And, oh my dragons, it is exactly—no, it is better than what I had imagined in my head. I will be sharing that in a separate post, along with more information about the series. Since the back cover and spine are simple, the cover should be ready in another two weeks, which means the book could be released as early as late October, early November—just in time for Christmas. Again, stay tuned. I am so, so excited about these books, and I can’t wait for all four in the series to be out in the world.

If you’re still reading, thank you. Let me sign off here with one of the poems from this month’s Fest that I particularly liked, once I was satisfied with the final draft.

 

Constants

S. Kay Murphy

I wake up moody, musing

On the problems of yesterday.

In the still-dark, I take the dogs

Out to the yard, looking up,

As always, to find my constants.

There is Taurus, stretched across

The sky, the Seven Sisters,

Whispering secrets, and proud

Orion, on his back in August,

Perpetually sighting his arrow

Nonetheless, unconcerned

For the tilt of the Earth

Today, tomorrow, or yesterday.